Attachment: What Humans Were Designed to Do (and Be)

The following quote comes from Wikipedia, original source Howe, D. (2011) Attachment across the life course, London: Palgrave.

“In the presence of a sensitive and responsive caregiver, the infant will use the caregiver as a “safe base” from which to explore. It should be recognized that ‘even sensitive caregivers get it right only about 50 percent of the time. Their communications are either out of synch, or mismatched. There are times when parents feel tired or distracted. The telephone rings or there is breakfast to prepare. In other words, attuned interactions rupture quite frequently. But the hallmark of a sensitive caregiver is that the ruptures are managed and repaired.‘” (emphasis mine)

This reinforces D.W. Winnocott’s idea of the “good enough parent,” originally introduced to counterbalance psychoanalytic objectification of parent and child and return the emphasis of parenting to attachment and relationship. For myself, the concept of a “good enough” parent provides a necessary island of sanity in our  overwhelming ocean of parenting perfection, an anxiety inducing norm which then – unsurprisingly – drives the skyrocketing rates of childhood anxiety. Which keeps me busy, but all things being equal wouldn’t it be nice if everyone relaxed, just a little, and allowed ourselves to be “good enough”? Children are remarkably resilient and flexible, and will thrive if provided the basic attachment needs described above. And no, this isn’t a prescription for scheduling “quality time,” or scheduling anything. It’s about love, and connection, and attachment which in the end will out over academics, salary, or any other materialistic, external marker of ‘success.’ Plus you want your kids to take care of you when you’re old and feeble, right? So lay that foundation now. Seriously, what children need more than anything – anything – is a “good enough” parent.

So be “good enough.” Read up on attachment if you want, and then build that “good enough” connection with your child – or anyone. After all, what do you have to lose except angst ridden anxiousness, stress, and worry?

Problem Solving, Therapy Style

I’ve been using this protocol quite a bit recently, so I figured it’d be a good idea to give it some props. I’m speaking of Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS), developed by Ross Greene, PhD. (You can find his website here.) Anyone familiar with Dr. Greene’s book “The Explosive Child” should be familiar with the CPS method. It was developed originally as a non-violent alternative for dealing with the (seemingly) intractable issues associated with emotionally unstable children and adolescents; I’ve found it useful, however, in many everyday situations, not just with emotionally “explosive” kids. I cannot emphasize enough how effective this model is, or how important that every parent, educator, counselor, social worker, therapist, whatever, buy and internalize Greene’s “The Explosive Child.” It’s that good – no, beyond good. Necessary. I utilize the CPS method in my practice with clients (especially families) all the time, in many different contexts. In fact, it’s one of my go-to strategies for working with my own daughter, without a doubt one of the best and most effective methods for managing issues I’ve found.

As Dr. Greene points out in his book and website, with Collaborative Problem Solving we’re talking about much more than merely ‘solving problems.’ When used effectively, CPS scaffolds development of critical social and emotional skills such as frustration and distress tolerance, impulse control, and cooperative interaction; increases cognitive skills such as planning and goal setting; scaffolds self and other awareness; and builds a sense of efficacy and confidence (along with the added bonus of deepening and strengthening the emotional attachment between parent/adult and child). Without exaggeration, the social, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral benefits of regularly engaging children with this model are profound.

The downside? CPS takes patience, a lot of patience, and time, a significant amount of time. Parents must also leave many, if not most of their preconceived ideas about parenting at the door, and become not unlike therapists. It’s not for every situation – the best issues for using the CPS model are ones that don’t seem to respond to any other (non-abusive, non-manipulative) approach. On the other hand, once you become familiar and comfortable with this strategy, in my experience its applicability generalizes considerably and becomes instinctive and automatic. To many the CPS model will initially feel very uncomfortable, even impossible – I strongly recommend reading the book and/or website to reference Dr. Greene’s thoughtful and on-point responses to  these concerns. As a working professional, however, I can say without hesitation that working through one’s reservations and making CPS a core parenting strategy will be one of the best changes any parent can make, for everyone concerned.

I’ll take it a step further. In this age of rushed and brief interaction, of screen immersion, of increased and increasingly damaging human disconnection at all levels of society, the CPS model brings us back together as thinking, feeling beings wired as we are for connection, brings us back together as parents and children, brings us back together as connected, loving families. It gives us a reliable, tested strategy for working through difficult issues, sometimes very difficult issues. It teaches us how to listen, to really listen and hear each other. It teaches (requires) cooperation, compromise, and empathy, from everyone involved. It provides a roadmap for navigating out of the dark ages of abusive, invalidating, fear based parenting towards authoritative and respectful parent/child relationships. It doesn’t provide answers – it offers a pathway, an extremely well designed and deeply tested pathway for parents and children to discover their own answers, test these, and modify as necessary.

I’ll be posting more on this topic in later posts; for now here’s an edited, bullet point version of the Collaborative Problem Solving model. Again, please buy, read, use, and refer often to the book. Dr. Greene spent 20 years developing and perfecting the model; of course he explains it better than anyone else could. In the meantime, here’s my edited and condensed ‘cheat sheet’ for implementing CPS:

1) Describe the problem

• To begin discussing a problem, briefly describe what you’ve observed concerning specific behaviors or situations.
• Do not comment on your child’s judgment, motivation, character, willpower, self awareness, or any aspect of personality or character.
• Be brief. Make it short and sweet – do not lecture, preach, advise, criticize, nag, scold, jump to conclusions, or try to “teach a lesson..”
• Start with “I’ve noticed that….” or something similar.

• Example: “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been getting home on time.”
  Not: “How many times do we have to discuss this? What’s your problem?”

2) Invite your child to share his/her perspective, experience, and concerns

• Begin with just this: “So, what’s up?” or, “What’s going on?”
• Listen quietly and attentively, as long as it takes to get the whole story. Reflect/restate in your own words what you’ve heard
• If your child doesn’t share, or says something like “nothing,” take some guesses of what might be the issue(s), then check to see if you’re right
• Make sure your child shares fully – one excellent way is to ask: “Is there anything else?” Most importantly, listen and reflect – do not lecture, preach, advise, criticize, nag, scold, jump to conclusions, or try to “teach a lesson”
• If your child absolutely will not share, say something like this: “Ok, you don’t want to talk about it right now. That’s ok. However, I need to talk about this. When will be a good time for you?” Work out a specific day/time, the sooner the better.
• Problem solving will not work if your child doesn’t share completely. Take the time to encourage and allow your child share fully. Return to this step as often as needed.

3) State your concerns

• Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns about the issue
• Use “I” statements – “I need….” “I feel that…” “”For me it’s important that…” Avoid “you” statements.State clearly your own values, concerns, and needs
  Example: “It’s important to me that the family eats together.”
• Focus on specific behaviors and/or situations. Do not generalize (i.e., “You always…”). Stay in the present.
• Do not lecture, preach, advise, criticize, nag, scold, jump to conclusions, or try to “teach a lesson.” Do not criticize your child’s personality, character, or behavior
• Do not offer solutions – yet
• Example: “When you’re not here like we agreed on, I get worried.”
  Not: “How can you be so thoughtless? Do you care about anybody except yourself?”

4) Brainstorm solutions together

• Invite your child to provide solutions first
• If you have to, help him/her out – try to think of what their idea of a good solution might be. Do not evaluate, judge, or criticize any of his/her ideas
• If the solutions are wildly inappropriate or unrealistic, gently remind your child of the problem you’re trying to solve
• After your child has put all his/her ideas on the table, it’s your turn
• Remember: Do not lecture, preach, advise, criticize, nag, scold, jump to conclusions, or try to “teach a lesson.”
• Write the solutions down, and do not evaluate (yet)

5) Review the possible solutions together and choose the ones that are realistic and everyone can agree on

• Working together, evaluate each possible solution:
• Is it realistic? Is it something that can actually happen in the world in which you live? What might get in the way of the solution? Is the solution too hard/ demanding? Will it actually solve the problem? Take your time, and evaluate each potential solution carefully.
• Does everyone agree that the solution is a good one? Double check with your child. Help him/her to remember (and remind yourself) that solutions must be agreeable to everyone. Be very careful here; often a child will agree to a solution just to please you or get you off their back.

Finally, get comfortable with the idea that problem solving is a process – it’s very likely the first solution(s) won’t work. Don’t give up. Repeat the process as often as necessary in order to find a durable solution

Stop The Madness!!!!

Get your kids (and yourself) outside! Why? The evidence is overwhelming: outdoor exercise (especially in green spaces) significantly lowers anxiety, depression, and ADHD behaviors. Young children who play in dirt have increased immunity, lower susceptibility to depression, and lower rates of heart disease as adults. Being outside increases your child’s vitality and builds independence, especially when outdoors time is unstructured free play. And let’s not forget the crippling effects of a sedentary lifestyle on America’s epidemic rates of child obesity and diabetes.

So the evidence is in, and keeps coming. Common sense is soundly backed by science. So why do many, no, most, no, almost all parents refuse to let their children play as they should be playing – outdoors? Some reasons are fairly obvious – sensationalist media driving unfounded concerns about safety; the addictive nature of ever multiplying screens; the “closed door” effect of 24/7/365 air conditioning….. There is no argument that parents – all parents, not alone but as a community – shouldn’t be concerned about safety. It’s also clear that American (and, it appears, British) society has fallen victim to media driven hysteria about essentially nonexistent risks. So: is this a problem? Or is it just “the way things are,” the new normal, the reality we’ve created for our children?

Because weirdly deserted neighborhoods didn’t magically appear out of nowhere. We created them. And if we created them we can un-create them – we can remember the exhilaration and freedom, the unrestrained joy and celebration of what it used to be like to be a child. With the best of intentions, and under tremendous stress to “get it right,” we have seriously distorted American childhood. Sure, some kids get outside, sometimes – but when was the last time you saw kids – by themselves, without anxious adult supervision – playing a game of football in the park, or even in someone’s yard? More to the point – when was the last time you saw this every day? When was the last time you saw groups of kids running down the street, then running back, then running back again? When was the last time you told your children “Go outside! And be home in time for dinner!” When was the last time you did that every day?

Anachronistic? Fond memories, out of touch with modern reality? Maybe. Or maybe not. Outdoor free play was the norm just a generation ago; now, if kids are seen on their own outside parents can be, and increasingly are, arrested. Sometimes I have to ask myself if it’s real, if we’ve truly alienated our children so completely from the world just outside our doors and windows. Yet a drive around Austin, at any time of day or night, confirms this depressing fact: there are almost no children to be seen, hardly ever. And to my eyes and ears there’s nothing sadder, more Twilight Zone-ish than neighborhoods full of kids – all locked behind closed doors and windows.

And yes, Austin is hot in the summer. On the other hand, excessive time spent in air conditioning doesn’t just make the outdoors seem hotter – it actually makes the heat physically more dangerous. Want to lower your child’s susceptibility to heat exhaustion and heat stroke? Get outside! Common sense tells us to avoid exposure and activity in extremely hot, 95-100° weather. But otherwise? Out you go! You’ll be building your child’s immunity to heat damage, encouraging activity, and making “outdoors” seem less of a strange, unpleasant ‘thing’ to be barely tolerated (or avoided altogether, too often the case in our brave new world).

Because being outdoors for a child is not a special treat or weird anomaly, reserved for the occasional carefully planned and supervised weekend excursion (nothing wrong with that, of course). It’s an everyday event, an everyday act of celebration, a wonder and awe release from the confines of walled space into the limitless world in which we actually live. I would go further, even – it’s a right, a right to run and wander and explore and give life to the irrepressible energy of childhood. So we have a choice – to continue down the path we’re on, which amounts to a massive, unplanned, and by available evidence destructive natural experiment on our children; or to remember and rediscover the true purpose and joy of childhood. The choice is ours.

Click on the book and logo images above for links. For further reading, try these articles:

The Overprotected Kid   Atlantic Monthly

How to Land Your Kid in Therapy  Atlantic Monthly

The Decline of Play and the Rise of Psychopathology in Children and Adolescents  American Journal of Play

Less-structured time in children’s daily lives predicts self-directed executive functioning 
Frontiers In Psychology: Developmental Psychology

Five Myths About Young People and Social Media

Via Peter Gray, at Psychology Today.

                                                                                         Hint: it’s not what you think it is…..

 

A Suggestion

Parents: If you have an open mind, and are interested in easily understood but important ideas about children, parenting, education…..give this blog at Psychology Today a shot. I suspect you’ll be glad you did….

Freedom to Learn: The roles of play and curiosity as foundations for learning

by Peter Gray

The Miracle of American Adolescence

I’ll just get the book recommendation and link out of the way, right up front. If you’re a parent, and if you’re the parent of a teenager, and if you’ve reached the “we can’t communicate” stage – get this book, read it, and use it. Which book? Faber and Mazlish’s How To Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens will Talk (find it here). How To Talk… is, without a doubt, the single best source of stress relief for parents aside from summer camp and military school.  Concise, brief, to the point, and cover to cover filled with ready to use strategies, the ideas and methods in this text are so good that over the years they’ve become largely uncredited assumptions of many, if not most other books on parenting. So why mess around? Go to the source and get the skinny, I always say. (Or maybe I don’t. Either way, do yourself a favor and get the book.)

What follows below in not taken from Faber and Mazlish, but might as well be. One thing all parents of adolescents should probably remember is that even (especially) when you’re convinced your beloved teenaged offspring are most certainly not listening – they most certainly are. What teens (and pre-teens) have also certainly begun doing is selecting what they want to ‘hear’, which is probably not at all what you really want them to remember. So whaddaya do? First, internalize the “ten word rule”: anything over ten words to a teenager progressively loses relevance and resonance, to the point where you might ask if you’re just talking to yourself. (In fact you’ve probably asked this question, and the answer, as you know, is “yes.” In part, anyways.) Another way of thinking about the “ten word rule”: when addressing your charming charges,  KISS your teen, or,  Keep It Simple and Short.

Here, we’re using the KISS rule to encourage resilience, meaningful self concept, and connection. It’s easy – way too easy – when dealing with adolescents to get stuck in the critical, demanding parenting mode. So much so I think it’s necessary to intentionally counteract this tendency. So: once again, take a break from “parenting” and take time to connect with your child. Let him or her know that you see them as a person of worth in his or her own right. And remember, as Polonius lectures Gertrude and Claudius: “[S]ince brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief.” So prithee, be brief and KISS your teen with some…..

                                            Words of Encouragement

Words that says “I accept you”

• Reflect and encourage your teen’s feelings, beliefs, thoughts, ideas
• Tell your teen what you like about him/her – his easygoingness, her determination.
• Be specific. Focus on behavior. Avoid comments on personality or character.

“You like [baseball] a lot.”

“How do you feel about [the election]?”

“I bet it feels good to [pass all your classes].”

“You really liked it, huh?”

“That’s funny. I like your sense of humor.”

“You have a point. That’s an interesting way to look at it.”

Words that say “I know you can do it”

• Notice and point out real progress
• Encourage persistence, capability, and self-determination

“That looks good so far.”

“You’re making progress. Keep it up.”

“I believe you can figure it out. Let me know if you need help.”

“That’s a tough one. I think you can do it.”

“Can you give me a hand? I need your help with this.”

Words that say “I see you’re improving”

• Always comment on specific behaviors, not personality or character
• Ask your teen to tell you the steps they took to achieve their goals and outcomes

“You worked hard on that, didn’t you? It shows.”

“Your grades are better this semester.”

“You put a lot of thought into this.”

“You handled that well. You stayed calm and made your point.”

“How did you do that?”

“How did you make that happen?”

Words that say “I appreciate you”

• Let your teen know how important he/she is to you

“I really appreciate your help on this.”

“Thanks. That means a lot to me.”

“That was really thoughtful.”

“It’s good to see you.”

“It was fun being together today. Let’s do it more often.”

Whilst anyone may freely use the above verbatim, I strongly recommend you take a moment and think of some of your own “words of encouragement” for your teen. What do you like about him or her? What does he/she do well? What are his interests, the things that light up her face, that make him smile? Or, perhaps – what will you miss about your growing son or daughter when s/he has left the nest, gone off into the big, wide world? And do you really want to wait until then to realize, and show in small but deeply meaningful ways, how much your son or daughter means to you, right now? Food for thought.

For Parents, partie trois

Alice Miller, in her reality shifting book For Your Own Good (find it here), painstakingly delineates the corrosive, destructive effects of parental verbal, emotional, psychic, and physical abuse of children as disguised (excused, rationalized) by a thinly veiling ideology of preparing children for ‘the real world’ (whatever that is). What Miller does, in this and all her works, is carefully deconstruct this ‘real world’ as nothing more or less than an expression of the parent’s own psychic and emotional wounds, disastrously projected onto the child (Michael Haneke’s  film, The White Ribbon, brings the full implications of this idea to cinematic life).

Ok, cheery stuff. Still, if I could somehow convince every adult human on the face of the planet to read one book, For Your Own Good would be it. So why bring this up? It’s the 21st century – we’re beyond all that stuff. We don’t whip our kids within an inch of their lives. We don’t shame or humiliate of berate or demean or punch or slap or kick or kill our children in fits of rage, and then excuse ourselves by saying we’re doing it “for their own good.”

No we don’t. But what we do – what (adult) humans have always done, and will always do – is live out the emotional and psychic wounds we suffered in our own childhood (and beyond) when faced with the unconditionally loving, trusting, dependent helplessness of our children. We cannot avoid or stop this. It will happen, especially in moments of high emotion, distraction, frustration – any time our guard is down, and our emotions are up. Count on it. (If you want to understand the mechanics of this process, read the book. Or give me a call. And if you’re tempted to insist that you had “the perfect childhood” – that you were never on the unwarranted receiving end of a trusted adult’s frustration, anger, hurt, disappointment….please contact a therapist. Especially if you’re a parent.)

Ok. Not very cheery at all. But there is a way out, a solution. Just reading this post, and taking it seriously, is an important first step. Reading any of Miller’s books would be a giant second step. Thinking about steps one and two would be a wonderful third step. And bringing to consciousness the reality of our own emotional history – through personal work, conversations with spouses or friends, or – ahem – therapy would be a crucial fourth step. And finally – bringing all this to bear in the way of conscious awareness of how (not “whether”) our own stuff influences the ways in which we interact with our children, is the final, determinative step. This journey is not a journey of guilt, or blame (self or other), or finger pointing or despair or despondency – it’s a journey of discovery, true discovery of not just the roots of hurtful behavior (because let’s be honest, that’s what we’re talking about here) but of our own denied strengths, the treasure of ourselves.

So this is it – the gift we give ourselves, so we can then give unto our children. To be more pragmatic, the only road to true empathy for our children and their lived experience, and by extension showing developmentally appropriate response, is exactly this conscious awareness and processing of our own experience(s). There is no other way. (For more on this, see Daniel Siegel’s The Mindful Therapist.)

So, yes. This little dark journey has been, in fact, a journey of hope. It’s a mindful journey of self and other awareness, of being better parents, of being better people. Did I say “better”? How about more conscious; more attuned; more aware; more responsive, or more responsive to our children’s actual developmental needs, as opposed to being enslaved by our own non-conscious needs and wants. But just like those oh-so-attentive folks on airplanes tell us, “put your own oxygen mask on first.” If we as parents don’t take care of ourselves, if we don’t process our own “stuff,” then we’re not gong to have what it takes to truly take care of anyone else, no matter how many strategies or tactics we learn.

And that’s the message.

Growth begins when we…accept our own weakness.

Jean Vanier

For Parents, redux

Sometimes, parents (like myself) get kind of ‘lost’ in the parenting mindset. I mean, we read so much information on “best parenting practices,” think so much about enrichment and resilience and efficacy and academics and maximizing opportunity and success (whatever that is) and positive experiences and appropriate behavior and and and….I get tired just thinking about it. Is it a good idea to read up on the latest health research? Sure! Is it helpful to be on the bleeding edge of psychological and sociological  knowledge? Absolutely! Is it productive, ultimately, to live and swim and breathe in a sea of factoids and ever changing tides of opinion? Hmm. In these situations, I like to check with “Bird,” aka Charlie Parker, aka the co-inventor of modern American jazz. As the man said (or is credited with saying):

“You’ve got to learn your instrument. Then, you practice, practice, practice. And then, when you finally get up there on the bandstand, forget all that and just wail.”

Charles might have had a point. Maybe information is just that – information. Not a directive, command, or prescription for behavior, but possibly useful….stuff. For better or worse American culture and society have, unfortunately, for the most part denied parents access to (or completely erased)  tradition, generational wisdom, and widely accepted mores (“stuff”). (This is as much a result of the nature of what it means to be “American” as anything else.) So – we have to make it up, more or less. Which is, of course, both an opportunity and a challenge, as well as a helluva lotta work.

Which brings me back to the theme for today. Which is: after the hard work of gathering relevant, useful information (“stuff”), parents, if they value their own and their kids’ sanity, have to “forget all that and just wail.” Ok! (you say). Let’s do it! (you enthusiastically respond).  Ummm, how?

Funny you ask. Here are some ideas (heavily) adapted from Russell Barkley’s Your Defiant Teen (available here). The basic idea: just be with your kid. Hang out. Stop parenting. Give you and your kid(s) a break. Do this often,  not occasionally. Anyways, here ya go:

First off, take a break from teaching, guiding, instructing, molding, shaping, protecting, managing…..Take a deep breath, and relax. Take a break from “parenting.” For instance, try simple, honest recognition of little things.

• “Thanks for taking the trash out”
• “It’s good to see you.”
• “Looks like you’re doing well in [English].”
• “You look good in that shirt.”

Now – try spending 15-20 minutes (every day?) doing something one-on-one with your son/ daughter:

• No questions
• No orders or directions
• No corrections
• No advice or instruction
• Let your son/daughter decide  what to do, and how to do it
• Relax, and notice what you like about your son/daughter

Some other suggestions:

Notice when your son/daughter is doing something he/she likes, and hang out a few minutes and offer some comments on what he/she’s doing. (“You’ve got that skateboard flip down.” “That movie looks really funny.”)

Let your son/daughter choose something to do (play video games, go to the mall, etc). Whatever he/she wants. Relax and go with the flow. Let him/her set the agenda and direct the interaction. (Of course, nothing illegal or dangerous.) Make this a time to connect. Talk about yourself. Open up. Or not. Have fun. Be silly. Be creative. Or not. Just be together. Everything else is gravy.

One caveat: time together with your child is not a reward for good behavior. It is something that happens regardless. If your kid’s response isn’t warm at first, back off and try again. Ask yourself if you’re relaxed, open, and accepting. Do not give up. I would say, as an adolescent therapist and with a fair amount of confidence, that this is the true work of parenting – making, strengthening, and maintaining connection and attachment. And the best part, as Mr. Parker so brilliantly showed us, is this is not forced or even consciously directed. It just Is. So, yeah, do the work. Be informed. Set standards. Guide. Instruct. But above (and under, and beside, and around) all – relax. Chill…..out. Enjoy your child’s company. ‘Cause when your grown son or daughter, out in the world, successful and happy and not ravaged by anxiety and stress, calls your old and creaky self to tell you how happy they are, you’ll be glad you did.   

For Parents

“Where does authority come from? It comes from knowing your job. It comes from knowing why you are setting limits and expectations, and why you are helping your children to meet and achieve them. It comes from knowing the skills and abilities you want your children to learn, and why these skills and abilities matter. It comes from knowing how important it is for children to grow up as responsible, cooperative, independent adults. It is not a popularity contest – it’s a job, a tough job that demands respect and cooperation.”

Adapted from Secrets of Discipline, Morrish 1998

I adapted the above quote from one of the best (and thinnest) books on parenting I’ve read. If you’re interested, find it here.

Active Listening

What is “active listening”? For therapists it’s the core, the meat and potatoes of therapy. Any therapist/counselor who does not actively (!) utilize this mindful, empathic, attachment based form of interpersonal engagement as the foundation and structure of his/her practice, as for as I’m concerned, is guilty of malpractice.

The good news is that active listening is relatively simple to understand, and easy to do on a basic level. It is, without exaggeration, the single most important change a person can make to improve relationships of any kind – marital, parental, filial, negotiative, in the workplace….the only kinds of situations  inappropriate for active listening would be an imminent threat to safety, or if the  person(s) were completely non-responsive or openly aggressive and hostile. Even in the face of non-threatening hostility, however, active listening can – and will – create levels of communication and openness to change previously unimaginable. It is, in short, the key to understanding, and change, in relationships.

So, again – what is this “active listening” I keep blabbering about? First, let’s look at what it is not. Active listening is not:

• Just waiting for your turn, so you can talk all about your own amazing self (!)
• Trying to control or dominate someone, or “win” a conversation
• Being completely quiet and passive
• Mindlessly agreeing with whatever someone says
• Looking as though you’re listening (in order to be liked, or not offend…)
• Invalidating what you’ve heard, putting the other person down, or using what you’ve heard as a weapon (as in a fight, or to build yourself up)

And so on. Active listening is:

• Understanding someone
• Learning something new and/or interesting about someone
• Enjoying the other person’s company
• Giving help and assistance

Okay, you say. Sounds good. Now how do I do it? Well, like many folks in my field, I’ve  developed easy to remember heuristics (i.e., shorthand) for what can be complex processes. For active listening, in my world  it’s three easy steps:

• Attend
• Reflect
• Clarify

Easy, right? Let’s look at this more closely. First, in order to truly listen we have to “attend” to the person – their words, their tone of voice, their body language; everything. This means giving focused attention to, and being open and accepting of whatever the other says. And no, acceptance does not mean agreement –  acceptance means allowing yourself to be open to a person as they are, at that moment in time. Sounds kind of squishy and new agey, right? Not really. Let’s break it down a little more. First and foremost, in active listening, be quiet and listen (“attend”). How do you do this?

• Give the person your full attention
• Make good eye contact, but don’t stare. Try to be on the same eye level – sitting, standing, etc.
• Use encouragers like “uh huh,” “okay,” “no kidding!” “hmm,” “yeah” to keep the conversation going (these also amount to “mini validations”)
• Let the other person lead the conversation – it’s their show, not yours
• Listen carefully for feelings, thoughts, and ideas
• Ask open ended questions that invite conversation, such as “What classes did you have today?” “So, what’s going on with Ellen?” “Tell me about that”
• Do not ever, under any circumstances, lecture, preach, scold, instruct, opinionate, or bloviate in any way. Keep your focus on paying close attention to what the other person is saying.

So, that’s “attend.” Okay, clear enough. What about “reflect,”you ask. You didn’t? Too bad, I’m gonna go there anyways. The second step in active listening is to “reflect” back to the person what you heard them say. This lets him/her know – without a doubt – that you’re listening, and listening closely. As a therapist, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for a person to feel as though s/he is being heard. When you reflect honestly and openly, you are sending the clear message that: “You (and what you’re saying) are important. You matter. Your thoughts, feelings, and ideas are valuable and worth listening to.”

So – once again – how do you do this? Well….

• State in your own words what you heard the person say
• Do not “parrot” – repeat back what you heard, but use your own words
• Keep it short and sweet – “You were tired.” “So you had a good day!” “Sounds frustrating.” “He said you were promoted?” Etc, etc….
• For more important issues, add some emphasis: “What I hear you saying is…” “So basically how you felt was…” “Let me see if I got this right…”
• If you get corrected, roll with it – it’s the other person’s reality, not yours
• Focus especially on feelings, as well as thoughts and ideas
• Do not offer your opinion, try to correct, refute, disagree, or insert your own self into the conversation. That’s not listening, active or otherwise.

Okay, “reflect.” Got it. Now, how about this “clarify”? So now you’ve mastered the art of “attending,” and you’re a whiz at “reflecting.” In the third step of active listening, “clarify,”  you’re essentially just asking for more information in order to get a clearer picture of the situation. More importantly, however, you’re strengthening the sense of your (genuine) interest in the person, as well as possibly learning something that might deepen your understanding of who s/he really is, what makes him/her “tick”, possibly gaining deeper insight into his/her thoughts, feelings, motivations….when you “clarify,” you can go as deep as you want or need. Let the situation and the person’s response be your guide.

So how do you “clarify”? You ask open ended questions, based on what you’ve heard:

• “So who was with you?”
• “How long have you felt like this?”
• “Where were you when this happened?”
• “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
• “Hold on – what exactly did she say?”
• A classic, especially for reluctant teenagers and children: “Anything else?” Repeat as often as necessary.
• And as always, never, ever insert your own damn self into the conversation. Keep your thoughts, ideas, and opinions under wraps – for now.

So that’s it – that’s “active listening” in a (kind of large) nutshell – “attend,” “reflect,” and “clarify.” As with new skills of any kind, the secret of course is practice, practice, practice. In particular, practicing active listening with children, especially teens, will show real, observable results. I have seen parent/teen relationships transformed by this one strategy. It’s that good.

Once you’ve mastered the “attend,” “reflect,” and “clarify” core of active listening, you will have a lifetime skill appropriate for most situations. Most of the time, these three steps will be enough. Occasionally, however, situations will arise that require thoughtful  feedback – you might see a need to share what you think, feel, or perceive about the person’s situation. In these cases:

• Be honest and supportive  – honest and respectful feedback and/or criticism might sting at first, but be better than silence in the long run
• Be brief. Say in a word what you could say in a sermon.
• Remember the “ten word rule” – anything over ten words yields diminishing returns. (KISS – Keep It Simple and Short)
• Use “I” statements. Do not start with “you.” For example: “I feel like you might be making a mistake.” “It seems to me that what might be going on here is…” “From my perspective, it seems like…”
• Check with the person – “What do you think?” “Does that make sense?”
• Listen to his/her response.
• Do not lecture, preach, scold, instruct, opinionate, try to correct, refute, disagree, or insert your own self into the conversation.

That’s it! You now have the tools to connect on a fundamental level with anyone you choose, anytime, anywhere. Use your powers wisely, and remember:

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.”          Doug Larson