Attachment: What Humans Were Designed to Do (and Be)

The following quote comes from Wikipedia, original source Howe, D. (2011) Attachment across the life course, London: Palgrave.

“In the presence of a sensitive and responsive caregiver, the infant will use the caregiver as a “safe base” from which to explore. It should be recognized that ‘even sensitive caregivers get it right only about 50 percent of the time. Their communications are either out of synch, or mismatched. There are times when parents feel tired or distracted. The telephone rings or there is breakfast to prepare. In other words, attuned interactions rupture quite frequently. But the hallmark of a sensitive caregiver is that the ruptures are managed and repaired.‘” (emphasis mine)

This reinforces D.W. Winnocott’s idea of the “good enough parent,” originally introduced to counterbalance psychoanalytic objectification of parent and child and return the emphasis of parenting to attachment and relationship. For myself, the concept of a “good enough” parent provides a necessary island of sanity in our  overwhelming ocean of parenting perfection, an anxiety inducing norm which then – unsurprisingly – drives the skyrocketing rates of childhood anxiety. Which keeps me busy, but all things being equal wouldn’t it be nice if everyone relaxed, just a little, and allowed ourselves to be “good enough”? Children are remarkably resilient and flexible, and will thrive if provided the basic attachment needs described above. And no, this isn’t a prescription for scheduling “quality time,” or scheduling anything. It’s about love, and connection, and attachment which in the end will out over academics, salary, or any other materialistic, external marker of ‘success.’ Plus you want your kids to take care of you when you’re old and feeble, right? So lay that foundation now. Seriously, what children need more than anything – anything – is a “good enough” parent.

So be “good enough.” Read up on attachment if you want, and then build that “good enough” connection with your child – or anyone. After all, what do you have to lose except angst ridden anxiousness, stress, and worry?

For the Unquiet Mind

If you’re one of those folks whose mind seems to ‘take off’ sometimes (or a lot of the time) like a six year old on a sugar high, well, you’re not alone. This can be no laughing matter, especially when you’re trying to focus, concentrate, or fall asleep…. Racing thoughts are usually connected to one kind of anxiousness or another, so a multi-dimensional approach seems to be called for – strategies to slow and calm the thoughts themselves, some global anxiety reduction, and reorientation to the here and now. Below are some ideas, borrowed and new, that might help reduce the sometimes paralyzing power of a mind spinning out of control.

Thought stopping: If your mind and thoughts are getting the best of you, one deceivingly simple yet effective solution is to say to yourself: “Stop!” Try different versions: “Stop! That’s enough! Let it go!” etc. You can say it in your head or out loud, whatever works. Try repeating the ones that work: “Let it go. Just let it go.” Be firm but kind with yourself – talk to yourself like a loving parent. Look for improvement, not perfection – each time you stop or reduce disruptive thoughts, you’re taking away some of their power and intrusiveness.

Positive self talk: If your mind gets stuck on negative thoughts or feelings, remind yourself of the whole picture, for instance: “Things are tough right now, but I’m doing alright.” This is not ignoring reality; it’s seeing the bigger picture. Try different statements, see what feels ‘right.’ Be specific – what exactly is going well or acceptably well in your life? Negative thoughts can be highly exaggerated – if you’re thinking “always,” “never,” or “should,” there are almost always exceptions: “I don’t always miss my exit. It just feels that way.” Again, be your own ‘loving parent’, that is, patient and persistent.

Mindful breathing/body awareness: Try this anytime, anywhere, especially when your mind is starting to take off. Bring your attention to your breath: feel it going in,  and going out. Just notice how it feels, how it sounds. When your mind wanders, that’s ok – just gently bring your attention back to your breath. Try for one minute, or even thirty seconds. Also, try noticing some part of your body – the hands and feet are especially good for this. Just notice your body – direct your attention to the palms of your hands, the soles of your feet, and just notice them. When your mind takes off, that’s ok – gently return your attention to your body. Try for thirty seconds, or a minute. As always, patient, forgiving persistence is the key.

Moment-to-moment awareness of daily activity: Pay mindful attention to everyday activities. For instance, if you’re washing dishes or taking a shower, notice the feel and sound of the water, the movement of your hands, the heat, the feel of the soap…. When your mind wanders, and it will, just notice this, then gently bring your attention back to noticing the task. Try this with several ordinary daily activities – chopping vegetables, making and drinking coffee, etc. Notice if any ‘work’ better than others. Try for one minute, or longer if you want.

Do something physical every day: In particular, exercise outdoors in a natural setting – walk through a park, hike, bike, or run a trail, go swimming outdoors, walk around the neighborhood… Any exercise, however, is better than none. Whether indoors or out, work towards being physically tired. Try different things until you figure out what works best for you.

Pay attention to positive changes: No matter how small. Congratulate yourself for following through, and forgive yourself for not meeting all your expectations. When you fall short, think about what you’ve learned – and try again. And as always, patience, persistence, and self forgiveness are key.

 

Stress monkeys of the world – Try some stress management (please…)

Stress is not in itself a bad thing; without moderate levels of stress your ability to engage difficult and complex tasks suffers dramatically. The cascade effects of the stress hormone, cortisol, prepare your body for peak performance. Too much cortisol, however, can be deadly – especially over time. So if your stress levels are interfering with day to day life, try these strategies (courtesy of                                               Psychology Today):

Reframe the experience   Find a positive or useful side to a stressful experience. For instance, if someone cuts you off in traffic, see this as an opportunity to practice a calming exercise like mindful breathing. If you’re assigned a difficult job at work, look at it as an opportunity to grow and learn new skills. The job will still be difficult, but much less stressful.

Practice generosity   Do something – anything – nice for someone. Give a dollar to a homeless person. Send your mother a card. Volunteer at the homeless shelter. Exercising generosity makes you calmer and more accepting of life’s curveballs.

Set realistic goals   Write down realistic, reachable goals for the day and week. Check them off when you reach them. Give yourself a reward for following through, and notice what’s going well.

Network, network, network   We register emotional pain more slowly when we experience daily social support. Reach out and connect with friends, family, anyone you feel comfortable with.

Notice the positives   Notice at least one positive thing that happens every day. Then tell someone about it or write it down (for instance, in a journal). It doesn’t matter how small of large the experience is; notice it, and share it.

Meditate   Meditation, in particular mindfulness meditation, increases emotional regulation and decreases your fear response. Start with mindful breathing: Find a quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed. Sit comfortably and take a couple deep, easy breaths. Then: breathe normally, and just notice your breathing – notice the feel of the air going in and out, notice your chest rising and falling. When your mind wanders, just notice this, and return your attention to your breath. Try for one minute to start, then longer as you’re able. You will notice a difference in your overall stress levels.

Get plenty of sleep   It’s become abundantly clear that Americans do not get enough sleep. Adults need at least seven hours; eight is better. Teenagers need up to nine. If you have trouble sleeping, look up and use sleep hygiene.

Exercise, exercise, exercise   Get at least thirty minutes of moderate exercise every day. This can be as simple as a walk around the neighborhood, although exercise in green spaces (like parks, trails, etc) shows the most benefits. Exercise is the best known antidote for anxiety, depression, and elevated stress; it also grows your brain (literally – exercise increases the growth of nerve cells). If you sit at work, get up frequently and stretch, take the stairs, or go outside. However you do it, get up and exercise.  

Adapted from Singer, Psychology Today, April 2012